|
Post by jordan on Apr 6, 2015 18:34:39 GMT -7
Hellblazer 1 is up!! Let me know your thoughts?!
|
|
|
Post by Drake on Apr 13, 2015 17:17:41 GMT -7
Read it once and going through it again since it's pretty short.
-Iconic look as a kid? Okay. I'm sure there's a story behind it. -Creepy dude. Why would John go with a creepy dude? He's certainly homeless and poor, but not stupid. Does he have a death wish? Maybe a bit nitpicky there... -Pub. Ripper's Pub. English folks use "pub" instead of bar. Got a whole rant about it once from one of my older friends (a fellow screenwriter in a screenwriting group I meet with). -John's voice is weird here. I get you're going for the accent, but it doesn't read Cockney. Maybe that's just me. -The American is beyond stupid. -The dialogue's a bit awkward. John and the 'Merican (as I think of him LOL) both call each other the same things over and over. People usually avoid using jabs and slang jokes over and over. I don't know why, but I guess creativity's in the verbal sparring game. -Spacing's weird, FYI. It's like it's triple spaced. -I like the characters in general. Basty is fun. -John is going to live with Faust? Not weird or unlikely at all... -Lastly, this is really, really short. Your average is something like 2500 words, which is short anyway. This was more like 2000.
7/10.
|
|
|
Post by jordan on Apr 13, 2015 22:04:05 GMT -7
A lot of your stuff is right. The British culture, verbage, accent etc. is something I'm working on and hopefully it will improve issue by issue. As for John going to live with Faust and his iconic look--there is a story behind his iconic look not yet revealed, but I thought I made it pretty clear why John went to live with Faust. John was down and out and Faust offered hope. Faust offered magic. So John gave hima chance. And as far as the word count goes, I think 2500 is perfect, but this issue fell short due to a massive headache I was suffering and me just wanting to get it done. I know that's not a great excuse, but it happens.
I'mglad you like the characters at least! Especially Basty, he was really fun to write!
|
|
|
Post by Drake on Apr 14, 2015 6:51:56 GMT -7
Makes sense. I know my latest Guardians issue was confusing and trippy as f*** (just read the reviews) and I wrote it when I had a 101 degree fever.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2015 12:37:58 GMT -7
So, firstly, I will offer myself as the token Brit for you to bounce things off.
1) Livepool ain't small. It's a City, a pretty big one by British standards. 2) Ain't a Dime over here, it's a Penny. (Nah, I'm just playing with you.) 3) Accent wise, "ye" is a bit closer Scottish in inflection, whereas the Scouse bastards all say "Ya" and "Canny Whey" and "Wey Eye man" 4) Needs some editing. Accent from across the pound? Is he a dog? 5) Arse in Britain, not ass. Ass is a Horse/Donkey 6) American stupidity, I guess? But Scouse ain't cockney. They're like...mortal enemies. 7)Ye oversized Bloke...That's an awkward phrase. Nobody would say that here. Bloke is a past tense at best "This Bloke come in and wanted some beer".
Over all, an interesting start and origin to John. I really like the Faust angle, and playing up the family connection with Sebastian, who by the way, has a marginally better accent than John at this point. I know my comments about might have seemed flippant, but, if you seriously do want some genuine British stuff in your voice for John, hit me up. I ain't Scouse, but John hasn't been written Scouse for years, so I can at least do you some broad London dialect.
Also, you can't smoke in Pubs here anymore. Not since...2003? 2004? Outside smoking only. Ruins the ambiance in most places, because they now smell like piss and Body odor.
|
|
|
Post by jordan on Apr 14, 2015 21:09:00 GMT -7
Haha thank you for that. If you don't mind, I might take you up on that. I'm trying to figure it out, but having advice from an actual Brit might help a ton. Thank you:)
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 14, 2015 22:29:08 GMT -7
No worries - there's a lot of stuff over here that doesn't get shown on TV. Like the difference between the North and the South (and if you're a proper Southerner, then the North starts at Watford...)
Scousers are different to Geordies, who're different to Yorkshire types, and Swampies from Norwich. There's a whole lot of diversity packed into this little Island.
|
|
|
Post by jordan on Apr 15, 2015 8:00:04 GMT -7
I didn't realize it. Would you mind just giving me regional differences? Like a list of regions and region specific things?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2015 8:25:44 GMT -7
Ha, that could literally take forever, you know? London is it's own little microcosm, and the Cockney is a regional dialect within it, not everyone in London is Cockney, and not everyone Cockney speaks Cockney. Defo an age thing as well.
Liverpool and the Wirral is all Scouse, and Newcastle and Sunderland are Geordies. Yorkshire people are...well, Yorkshire people. Cornish have the west country accent, which I guess you'd know from something like Hot Fuzz, but that's a rural accent also heard in Norwich etc. Leicester and the Midlands is where the North meets South proper like, so, where you get the difference between people saying Bath as "Barth" and "Baff". Uhm. What else...Essex is very London, but it isn't London, it's proper Essex. Kent, similarly, has a sort of Londony twang.
Really you'd have to ask me questions about specific areas, there's SO MUCH to try and cram into a cliff note situation it'd take months.
|
|
|
Post by jordan on Apr 15, 2015 14:20:50 GMT -7
The things basic google searches and BBC don't show you, I guess.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2015 10:52:49 GMT -7
Again, sorry to be a pain in the arse, but there's a lot to cover in that range. You need to be a wee bit more specific
|
|